Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Calling the facts. || Survivor Tocantins episode 12 recap

Despite how awesome this season has been as of late, I have to admit, the editing this year is probably some of the worst editing I've seen throughout the years I've watched Survivor. I mean, it's pretty much Fiji 2.0 in terms of editing. Hell, it's Fiji 2.0 in terms of quite a bit (not in terms of sucking at the merge, but you know what I mean.), but in editing, it's just bad. Rarely anything is necessarily convincing, rather than a dead give away. I thought it was getting better after Joe left, but it was bad this week.

How bad, you ask? I called every single major event that happened this past week, and I was correct on all of them. This is all prior to the episode (except for Exile. That, I assumed while the episode was going on). Face it, the Tocantins editing sucks.

Stephen agrees.

JT agrees.

JT's sister agrees.

Sierra agrees.

Erinn's dad agrees.

Eddie George agrees.

Hell, considering his Liliana 2.0 edit (terribly dull on the show, probably a baller in real life), Joe probably agrees too.

It's just bad. Every elimination from Carolina to Joe, and from, in a way, Tyson to this week's eliminated, has been predictable within the first five minutes of the episode. Dead giveaways. The only good edits were with Brendan's elimination - where everyone thought Coach was dunzo, and something I'll illustrate later. It's just awful.

We'll get back to this. Onto the episode.

Quick note, I'm so happy I asked Joe and Stephen about the whole "Jet" dealio or else I would've been hucking rocks in frustration at the TV. Stephen never replied, but Joe got back to me a little less than a week ago with an explanation (I had a feeling Joe would reply sooner - I don't think people who are still in the game are supposed to respond to fans.)

"Come to find out, JT's had that nickname for awhile once I tagged him with it. Jason Terry (JT) who plays for the Mavs goes by JET for how fast he is. On the first day when we made the hike to camp, JT was setting the pace and most of the tribe, was falling behind, hence the name JET."

- Joe Dowdle.

To think I actually thought his middle name began with a motherfucking E. It's not my fault "James Evan Thomas" flows nicely for some odd reason. Oh well, that assumtion was shot. This is fair enough. I'll take it. I'm still gonna call him JT instead, but now I have a more legitimate excuse to make Paper Planes jokes about him. Bitchin'. Thanks, Joe!

Anyway, onto more important things.

Worst. Auction. Ever.

I understand the whole family video thing was a pretty big deal, but still. This auction was awful. Too short, not enough decent items, no clues to the next immunity challenge (giving JT a calculator would've been awesome, thank you.)... it was just a buzzkill.

Oh well, let's judge what we can.

I'm a fry girl too, but I don't think I'd pay $120 for that bowl. They're probably cold anyway. Besides, knowing there was more in the future, what good is it to waste $120 on a measley bowl of french fries? I mean, really, Debbie? Really. She was super cute when bidding though, despite her fuck up on the math.

I originally thought Coach had the best deal, but the sauce isn't even covering the pasta, which is kinda gross. Still, better that then the other food items. Actually, not true. There was one that was probably better.

I actually couldn't tell if those were normal nachos or Lays covered in a lot of cheese. JT said it all.

Damn straight, Bama. Glad to know we see eye to eye. Unlike a friend of yours.

I thought the chicken hearts were probably the best looking thing there. It was like they were barbecued without the sauce, so I doubt it was as bad as people made it seem. Not nearly as creepy to think about eating as the fermented fish from Marqueqas. I would've done the chicken hearts. Not afraid.

Obviously, this was the reason the auction sucked. Not because this was a dumb reward. Hell, no. This was brilliant - the saving grace of this episode. But it sucked a lot of time out of the auction, and that was kindof a bummer. Nevertheless, I knew Taj was gonna win it, because I knew everyone was gonna give their money to her (though I might be mistaken, but did Coach give his money to her as well? I can't remember, but I don't think he did).

About the pooling money deal, it shows how lovable and sweet this cast is. Coach might be a bit obnoxious, Erinn might be a princess, and Debbie might complain a lot about her age, but as a whole, the entire group is very caring toward each other, and that's a beautiful thing. Especially considering how everyone who was like that last season was pretty much eliminated before the final six, Bob excluded. I'd much rather watch a bunch of people, who might not necessarily all be alligned, be really caring toward one another than watch an alliance made up of people who hate each other.

As for the Exile Island twist, I knew it was happening when Jeff told Taj to stand by him. And I knew she'd go because Jeff's not that much of an asshole to send her to Exile alone while everyone else chills with their families. At first, I assumed JT would go because the 'Paos want Exile under wraps and JT hasn't gone yet. But I got it after a while. I'm glad Taj picked the Exile trip in the end. I can recap everyone's family instead of just hers.

Speaking of which, it's family time! And although I just finished a paragraph on her, let's start with Taj's family, and just go on in order of who had names.

Not gonna lie. I cried extremely hard during this entire segment. I always cry during family visits, but seeing Taj cry was so heartbreaking. She's an amazing woman - to see her like that and to not cry or at least want to cry with her would make one look like a douche. Fact.

Another fact, I could listen to this over and over if I wanted to. I'm gonna sound like an idiot - I thought he was just calling his home "camp" for a while. Then, Taj screamed, and I was like "ohhh. wait...duh, what the hell was I thinking?" But really, this audio is amazing. I love Taj.

Fact #3?

Couple of the year. Hands down. They should get their own perfume or cologne. Or lip gloss. Then again, I'm still semi wishing Tarte would come out with a Rob&Amber lip gloss. But still, I'd totally buy an Eddie&Taj version. Most definitely. With how cute they were, romantic nights on the dunes and conjugal visits sound like such a good idea for them.

Last fact: Eddie George is fucking rad. He's sweet, he's articulate, he's chill... He's just overall awesome. Also, look at him. That is how a man should be built. GUH. So attractive. Taj, honey, you go. So lucky. Also, he definitely made a shout out to B-more! Awesome. I love him. He's so cool. (Yeah, I still hate my hometown, but whatever. It was still a call out).

Back at camp...

CBS, really? It's one thing to bring a relative of my favorite person onto camera and have her cry on my TV screen. It's another thing to have my favorite cry on my TV screen (JT cry? I know, scary, right? Poor boo.). But you had to make them cry together? Right after the auction? Really? Keep breaking my heart, CBS. You're doing a fucking fabulous job.

They don't really look like brother and sister though. Sure, they're both white, brunet, and super cute, but they don't strike me as siblings for some unknown reason. Then again, all three of my (step)cousins look absolutely nothing alike, so I guess that works here too (they're also 11, 7, and 3, so that might be different, but for JT and Adrianna's sake, it's the same thing.).

Actually, before I move onto them, I just wanna ask...who the hell is "Jamie?" JT has said nothing about a girlfriend. What is this? If they're legit, I hope I see them at the reunion to see how cute they are. But really? Jamie and the cows? Where is this coming from? So confused. Moving on...

I actually expected JT's visitor to be his mother, because, if memory serves me right, JT mentioned his mother has only said "I love you" to him, like, three times in his life. He also said in an interview that he wasn't sure if he wanted his mom watching it with a bunch of people. I don't really know what the latter means, but the former would've probably brought some Thomas family drama to the table. JT hasn't had any drama since Spencer left, if you can even call that "drama". It would've been understandable. Instead, it was a sister. I guess he has more than one, as a friend of his facebooked me a while back saying he graduated with JT's older sister. Families are confusing, but whatever.

Fact of the matter is, this entire scene kindof broke me. I'm an only child and my view on sibling relationships hasn't exactly been positive. All of the sibling duos around me are usually filled with arguments and animosity. Barely any love, absolutely no support. I think I have one friend who has a decent relationship with her big brother. At the same time, I've wanted a big brother for quite some time. Obviously, it's never going to happen as I'm the oldest already, but I've always wanted one that would not be a douche and help me prove the sibling stereotype incorrect.

JT and Adrianna did just that. Not that I expected him to be an asshole brother (Guys, seriously? It's JT.), but he was just so sweet to her, and it's just not something you see everyday. Sure, I bet he picks on her at home like all big brothers do to their little sisters, but it's more than clear that he cares. He spent every second of that segment with her. Shit, he even cried when he saw her. They were essentially the perfect big brother/little sister duo. They never argued, he set aside everything for her, and ultimately, they looked like they actually loved each other. I never see that kind of sibling relationship, and I never have - with the exception of fiction and shit - until now, and it's a beautiful thing.

Yeah, maybe Adrianna was a little too weepy for my taste as well, but she seems like a very sweet girl, and let's face it - if your brother was as awesome as JT Thomas, and you were seeing him for the first time in over a month, you'd be crying your pretty brown eyes out too. If I was Adrianna, I'd have a very hard time trying to find the "perfect guy" because anyone who fit that catagory would remind me too much of my brother. She probably knows this, but she probably has the best big brother a girl could ask for. Lucky girl.

For the record, Stephen's brother's name is Dan (CBS decided not to give anyone else names on the show except Eddie George, who is well known and shit, and Adrianna. If that doesn't scream "JT wins S18", I don't know what does. Okay, I do, but still, it's weird).

Again, all the brother/brother duos I've seen in real life seem to hate each other. Or at least put up that front. Stephen and Dan were good brothers, and it made me happy.

Also, Dan's hilarious. I mean, really? "Don't hate me!" So good.

Erinn's dad is named Brian. Just for the record.

She was a lot better put together than I would be if my dad came to see me on Survivor, but maybe she was too well put together? She was all, "This is where I sleep. These are my pants." She wasn't that excited about anything. I guess Erinn's been a bore all season long, but goddamn.

I figured she'd be a daddy's girl. All princesses seem to be daddy's girls. I'm not exactly an exception.

Debbie's man's name is Bret. One "t". There isn't much to say about him, but he seems really chill.

And they are super cute together. I love Happy!Debbie.

>"You know what they call me here? Dragon Slayer. I'm running this freaking thing!"

Keep dreaming, Ben. Dream on 'till your dreams come true.

I was guessing brother when I saw Mitchell on screen. My dad guessed either that or boyfriend. I definitely wasn't thinking Assistant Coach.

"If I had to choose between a filet mignon and seeing my assistant coach for ten minutes, I would see my assistant coach."

Each to their own, but Coach is a weirdo. There is no way I would see my assistant coach (if I had one) over having a steak. No fucking way. I think I'd have a hard time choosing my best friends over a filet mignon. Not even kidding. Family members, I'd probably see first, but really? Best friends versus steak? I know that's an awful decision, and I love my best friends to pieces, but let's face the facts. I'd be out there for thirty-one days, with fish as my only meat. As much as I love my friends...

You got it, Bama.

Oh well. Let's just watch Coach and Mitchell be gay with each other for a while. Sounds like a plan.

"We are not doing weird, sexual positions."

Why don't I believe him? Really, Coach, it's okay. I'm sure people other than me think it was hot. Right, Sierra?

Yeah, well, what do you know? Go eat something already.

Challenge time! This was grosssss. I'd fucking cry if I had to compete for my spot in the final three in a challenge that had to do with math. Calculus has ruined my life enough for me to make a Candyland-esque board game entitled "Escape from Mathland" and I've already felt the urge to throw up and die in a fire several times because of it. I don't care if it was simple math - I would cry if I was there. Just cry.

Bama must've given White'n'Nerdy some of his magic. Stephen can fly now! That's cool and all, except who's the one that's supposed to fly like paper and get high like planes again? Not the person who's in the air, that's for sure!

Seriously, what the fuck. You know you're irritated when you confront your math teacher about how your favorite contestant on Survivor lost an immunity challenge because it had to do with math. I might not sound irritated, but that's because I was paying more attention to getting that on audio. If I brought my camera to school that Friday, you would've heard a lot of yelling. And I would have recieved weird glances.

Not that I didn't expect this. I knew, once I saw the math symbols, that it was Stephen's to lose. JT's not stupid by any means, but do remember he's a cattle rancher from Alabama. And Stephen's White'n'Nerdy. JT was close, as usual. Always the bridesmaid, never the fucking bride.

Unfortunately, his intelligent move of writing down the acronym for the order of operations was pretty futile as it had nothing to do with the problem. Being a former math nerd (I know, what the hell?), I actually looked back and did the problem to see whether or not it used PEMDAS. It didn't. You had to do the math section by section at a time. No multiplying first, then dividing, then adding, then subtracting shit. Just go straight across. It's not like JT had the right equations anyway, but I feel bad that he tried to be legitimate, when the challenge didn't require it. Fail on challenge's part. What kind of math problem doesn't need the fucking order of operations?

I thought it was adorable that he wrote it down though. It's a smart move, just in case. Again, too bad it didn't pay off. THIS WEEK, JT. YOU BETTER WIN IT THIS WEEK.

Anyway, Congratulations, Stephen! It was almost too obvious from previews, but whatever. If Bama couldn't win it, I wanted Stephen to win it. His explanation for solving the math problem was interesting too.

So, before I get into the ranking portion, let's go back to the editing. As I said before, this season's editing reminds me of Fiji's editing. You have the crazy, unlikeable, older woman that makes absolutely no sense over half the time (Lisi/Sandy). You have the one guy with the amazing personality, who makes you feel even better about rooting for him once he starts playing the game (Yau Man/JT). You have the hot but useless bitch who makes one move all season and then chills out and is lame and useless again for the rest of the ride (Stacy/Erinn). You have the boring flirty person (Liliana/Sydney) with a really lame edit (Add Joe to the list). You have the other useless bitch who does nothing but gets a lot of love for no reason (Cassandra/Sierra). You have the bossy girl that everyone wants of their team first (Sylvia/Carolina)... Look at it - it's the same thing. I'm also ending the season liking all but three contestants (Sierra, Sandy, probably Erinn), like I did in Fiji (Lisi, Cassandra, Dre). I don't know if that's all editing though.

But really, think back to when Lisi left in Fiji. First off, it was boring because Rocky wasn't talking. Fact. Second, Mookie found the idol, Moto won both challenges, and Lisi went home, trying to quit. I missed the episode because I was out clubbing, but I called every bit of that episode. It's like this week's with Debbie. I knew everything that happened this past week was going to happen based on previews alone. That's awful editing.

Again, the only thing that wasn't a dead giveaway was Brendan's elimination. I'm pretty sure everyone thought Coach was dunzo.

The other only thing the editing has done is pretty much convince the audience that Stephen and JT totally want to pop, lock, and drop it with each other. And I don't mean the dance.

Though, considering how Stephen is a White'n'Nerdy Jew boy from New York and JT is a cattle rancher from Alabama, the two of them doing the dance would be quite hilarious.

I know both boys are straight, but come on. They are getting the biggest bromance edit ever. Better than Bronnie (though everything is better than Bronnie). Better than Charcus. Better than Frostodd. Hell, it's probably better than all of the legit showmances. It's all editing, but it's convincing as shit.

Examples? 1 2 3 4 5

It's quite apparent that JT isn't going anywhere lower on my ranking. By this point, it's almost like if you don't like JT, you pretty much don't have a heart. Fact. His game play isn't noticible because he's acting more than thinking. He's the one schmoozing to Coach all the time. He's the one taking and making everyone's promises. Stephen thinks of how to backstab people, but still. JT does a little bit of that too. The thing is, everyone's too dumb to vote JT out. It's not gonna change unless Stephen does some last minute backstabbing.

The whole "smiling" deal was a scary thought though. Not really, because the people are dumb this season, but if he was in China or Gabon, he'd be out pretty much this week. He needs to keep the smiling at Stephen when things go their way to a minimum. He doesn't wanna get caught. He shouldn't want to get caught.

Then again, knowing this cast, they wouldn't assume something was up. It would be more like this.

"JT smiled at Stephen today. I learned from that smile... JT has the smile of a warrior. A brave, gallant, proud warrior. That's what JT is. A warrior."

"Aww, look! JT's smiling! Aw, JT's such a cutie. Oh my lord, I love it when JT smiles. He must be happy. I'm happy too because I love it when people are happy. Really, look at JT! He's smiling!"

"Guh. JT's sexy when he smiles."

"Hahahaha, wow, you all are either stupid or fucking blind."

Stephen was just as much of a baller. Actually, I've noticed JT notices everything before Stephen does - Stephen just thinks more. My thing with Stephen is he'll probably crumble at the final tribal, like Amanda did both of her seasons. I thought he was gonna end up winning, but no one seems to notice he's pulling the strings. At least not during the show. This cast is stupid. I love them, but come the fuck on.

There's nothing really to say about Taj although she is hilarious. Brother quote? So good.

I don't like the idea of a bunch of Coaches swarming around Coach. Too many Coaches.

I'll agree, Erinn and Taj shouldn't have voted for Sierra. She was gonna go anyway, it's really no big deal. But obvious bullshit is called on Coach's not wanting the money. If you don't want the money, you shouldn't be on Survivor. Fact.

I actually didn't like Coach that much this week. He was annoying. I mean, he wasn't really funny at all. Just annoying.

And lazy. What the fuck is this - too much of a superhero to take off the fucking immunity necklace? For real?

I didn't think it was the wrong choice to keep Coach. I love Debbie, but Coach isn't that much of a threat. At all. Everyone pretty much hates him, and he'd be lucky if he got Tyson's vote in the end (it depends on whether or not Tyson feels like having an issue with how "honestyintegrity" is not a word).

He's also the person this season with the whitest teeth at Tribal Council. There is always at least one person like this (except in Fiji, where it was everyone but Lisi. Grosss).

God, CBS, stop. Let the poor man tell us he likes to take it in the bum on his own time. Stop trying to oust it with your camera angles. Poor Ben.

He can still keep his hands off JT anytime soon. At least they're friendly. He has a heart somewhere beneath all that ego and "dragon slayer armor."

Though, I will give him two things. One?

"One of us is gonna win this thing."

I know. We know. It's not you. Kbye.


"Taj, you're a beautiful soul. Best of luck."

Thanks to this, I've had Jesse McCartney's Beautiful Soul stuck in my head all week. He would've gained some points in my book if he actually busted out and sang it to Taj while voting.

"I don't want another pretty face."

"I don't want just anyone to hold."

"I don't want my love to go to waste."

"I want you and your beautiful soul."

This would then happen, JT would have to leave tribal to laugh on his own time, and Taj would be scarred. But it would be hilarious. I don't doubt Coach is a decent singer (hey, he's gotta know something about music if he directs an orchestra), but it would just be funny. Right, Sierra?

See, this is why you don't deserve a fandom. Stupid brat. No sense of humor at all. Take your damn black roots and go eat a fucking sammich.

This was funny though. Sierra was off, and not synchronized with Brendan like I thought she was, but it was funny. You guys are cool.

This was also funny. Oh Coach.

Erinn's really above Coach, but I've never really cared for her, so she's below Coach.

Except there's nothing to say about her. She's boring, she's only made one move, and it's not like it changed the game completely. Whoever says she deserves to win at this point is batshit crazy. Fact.

"I'm a total badass."

No, you're a total priss. There's a difference.

I knew Debbie was going from before the show even started. She was a good player, but she was dangerous. Never trust players like Debbie. That's what Stephen and JT learned.

It was good to see all positive sides of Debbie this week, rather than all the bad we saw when Sierra was booted. Debbie's just so cute. It's sad that she had to freak and pull an old person card while gaining a lot of hate right before she was eliminated and being nice throughout the episode.

I still love her. She played a good game while she lasted toward the end, and I approve. She's also very fun and sweet, and I'd love to go to Disney World with her sometime. We'd have a motherfucking blast.

New episode tonight. Erinn or Coach is going home. I don't even care anymore. I just hope the 'Paos are in the end. Some girl tried to tell me that it'd be better if someone who didn't deserve to win won so the season wouldn't be so boring. Uhhhh....what? There are really only two people who deserve to win at this moment. If you only care about being entertained and don't care about who deserves to win, you're either batshit crazy or fucking stupid. Fact.

Finale Sunday. I'm gonna sport some plaid in support of JT. I'm making flags too for the 'Paos. I'm excited - hopefully I won't be let down. As long as either JT or Stephen wins, I will be satisfied. Fortunately, I can't see it any other way.

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