Saturday, June 6, 2009

Bravo Likes to Teach People to Play with Their Food

I'm currently recovering from an incident of food poisoning, irritated with shopping, and bored out of my mind. So, considering how MMAS ended this week, let's blog about the next big thing Bravo has in store for us!

As many people should know by now, Top Chef is definitely one Bravo's more inconsistent reality shows. Not every season is perfect, by any means. It's probably my vote for most stress inducing and overall addicting-yet-disappointing reality show that I watch. Bravo-wise, at least Project Runway, Top Design, and Make Me a Supermodel all produced very deserving and fabulous winners every season. Shear Genius isn't the case, because both of their winners were bullshit, but no one should care about Shear Genius anyway - it's always been stupid. Top Chef, however, flip flops every season. It drives me up the wall.

Last time we checked in with Padma and the crew, they pretty much ruined the lives of anyone who had high hopes of season five. Now, they're starting Top Chef: Masters.

This is just a really bad joke, isn't it? Bravo, really, you already awarded Hosea Rosenberg the win last season. You can stop with the bad jokes already. That was awful enough.

Since it starts next week, let's discuss the inconsistency of the epic cooking show that is Top Chef.

Season one was nothing short of fabulous. No, my favorite contestant did not win, but whatever. It had great challenges, a lovable cast, a beyond perfect final two, and a fabulous winner. Yes, Katie Lee Joel was the host, and that was pretty unnecessary, but most of the judging actually made sense, not every challenge was about how long Padma can get away without wearing much clothing... It was almost perfect. I would've loved the final three to consist of Stephen, Tiffani, and Harold instead, with Dave at four (he was annoying as fuck on the show, but I've had his truffle mac'n'cheese, and it was pretty orgasmic), and LeeAnne at five. It should've been that - Stephen's elimination is still pure bullshit. But no other season has been as good as the first season, and with the rate at which the show is going now, that's how it's gonna stay.

Sorry, I don't have the big cast pic.

Season two started off strong and fabulous, with all of the irritating contestants leaving one right after another in very deserving eliminations. Once they got rid of Mikey Midgley, right after he won back to back challenges, the season went down in flames. Clippergate being irrelavent (and it is. Cliff is a baller, you should blame Ilan and the alcohol), nothing seemed to go right at that point. I see why Ilan was in the final two with Marcel - they were the only two that followed the final challenge. However, either way, the winner would be kindof a joke. Marcel was my favorite, but look at him. He has this Pokemon Diamond rival hairdo, he dances when he wins challenges, and he raps on rooftops. I think it's all endearing, but the public probably doesn't. At the same time, everyone should appreciate how he drops the term "molecular gastronomy" now. So, considering how the judges were motherfucking stupid and got rid of the real winner (Sam Talbot), it was a battle of the jokers. The judges just had to pick who was less of a joke. Unfortunately, they're still stupid, and they picked the one who was more of a joke. The only thing that makes Ilan a tolerable winner is the fact that he did win three challenges. You have to take that into consideration, even if he is a stupid-hair-rocking asshole. It still should've been a Sam/Marcel final two, but hey - at least Ilan's a little bit talented, which is more than what you can say about a certain other winner.

Season three started out dull, painful, and awful. While eliminations made sense (except Camille's - she should've stayed longer than Sara M. motherfucking gross.), the challenges were, for the most part, stupid, the cast was irritating, and there were only three people who deserved to win, out of motherfucking fifteen. Tre's elimination was, hands down, one of the most unforgivable moments in the history of Top Chef. The fact that one-note Brian, awful douchebag CJ, nasty bitch Sara M, beyond inconsistent Howie, and stupid bitch Casey all lasted longer than Tre is completely unacceptable. Right after that moment, however, the season started getting somewhere. The final two of season three rivals Harold and Tiffani. Dale and Hung were fabulous, and pretty much the only saving graces from Tre's last on out. Although the season wasn't the best by any means, it ended strong with the best winner in the history of Top Chef.

Season four was very similar to season two. All of the eliminations, prior to maybe Jen's, made sense. Sure, I liked a good amount of the cast, but their eliminations made sense. Awful challenges, though. I mean, ridiculous. After Mark went home, however, things started to get awful. While Andrew and Richard learned how to be awesome, Lisa - one of my preshow favorites - learned how to completely ruin my life, being the sole reason Andrew and Dale were eliminated in two of the biggest bullshit eliminations ever. Antonia was consistently stank and untalented and the fact that she made it that far as well was gross. Spike, although amazing in terms of personality, and not untalented by any means, was not the fabulous contestant I expected him to be. The number one highlight, and arguably only highlight, of this entire season was the fact that the clear winner was rightfully awarded her title. Yes, Richard was more consistent, but he stumbled in the end. Yes, Lisa was on point for a change in the end, but Bravo knows not to award someone that stank the win. Stephanie Izard was, hands down, the best woman that has ever been on the show, and there was no one that deserved the prize more than her. Unfortunately, her win wasn't enough to put season four in a higher ranking that season two, but at least it made up for Lisa robbing Mark, Andrew, and Dale of their rightful spots in the later game.

Season five was a joke. Yes, the eliminations were valid for more than half of the season, only exceptions being Jamie, Fabio, and both runners up, but that doesn't save anything. Jamie was the only tolerable girl, and she still wasn't as fabulous as Steph, Tiff, or even Elia. Actually, just kidding, Ariane grew on you after a while. She was just boring. Hot shit, but boring. Leah Cohen's existance completely ruined the season, as she is the worst contestant ever to be on the show. Most importantly, the final three. You have Carla, who might not be consistent in terms of the challenges, but had grown the most in the competition and had the best personality of the final three. You have Stefan, who might be an arrogant prick and tries too hard to be hilarious (although it works), but won almost every single challenge, deserving every single one. Here it comes down to personality and growth vs. hardcore talent. What do the judges do? They give it to the one dumbfuck who has neither of those qualities. It's a joke. I swear to God, there is no motherfucking way Hosea is more talented than Stefan. Oh my God, no. On top of that, his repulsive obsession with Stefan was worse than Ilan's with Marcel. So much worse. Who cares if Stefan's arrogant and mean? This is Top Chef! Not Top Nice person. No one should give a fuck about his personality. Homeboy can cook. Hosea sucks at living. Worst winner ever. I hope he fails in his career more than Ilan has, personally. And I am okay with accepting others' opinions, but let's be real. If you think Stefan deserved to lose to Hosea based on his personality, when he was clearly the best chef in the bunch, you are either completely ignorant, motherfucking stupid, or not watching the show correctly. Fact. (for the record, I was rooting for Fabio the entire time. I just thought Stefan was the most deserving. It really should've been the Euros and Carla in the final three. Fact.)

So, after that catastrophe, they spring Top Chef: Masters. Where the people, who are already Top Chefs, compete on Top Chef. I'm sorry, but that's motherfucking stupid. Another joke. We don't need another joke, Bravo.

At least Coldickio is neither judging nor competing. Tom Collichio sucks so hard, I'm so sorry.

So, question I gonna watch this joke? Well, I was actually considering not watching it. Yes, I do like Hubert Keller and Elizabeth Faulkner, and would wish them all the best, but I just don't have the energy to be put through more torture. Besides, Wylie Dufresne is there. And he's a douche. point. However, I've decided that, yes, I will succumb to watching this ridiculous concept of a show. For one purpose.

I really like John Besh.

I remember him from Next Iron Chef. I was personally rooting for Mike Symon, but I would've been just as happy with Besh winning. He was consistently fabulous the entire competition and it's very exciting to see him compete again. So, I'll watch to see him. And root for him, Keller, and Faulkner. Once they're done, so am I.

That's really all I have to say about Top Chef. All of the talk is making me hungry. So, I guess until next time. Expect a review of the past ten reality winners soon, as well as that three week late Survivor blog (which is now going to be a Vlog instead, as I haven't even started writing anything yet)!

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